(TO SEE THE FULL DASHBOARD, by way of shameless self-promotion:)
The passenger pigeons utilized in World War II have completed their circumnavigations, and passed along to me that Ben Wallace, pharaoh of ‘Fro, had more blocks than steals in his NBA career. Astounding.
Big Ben has long since called it quits on his NBA career, devoting his time to cannabis advocacy and advising on Pistons basketball operations. I am sure success in the former has had no cross-correlation with Detroit Pistons basketball circa 2019-2024.
In the gaping maw of his absence, who stands to assume the mantle of the Ben Wallace ‘Fro?
Some candidates per the numbers, wearing the jersey of “Blocks per Foul”
The Alien looks like a promising candidate, as he will for any trivia retrospective in 2 decades time phrased in the context of superlative, unprecedented early career achievements.
Walker Texas Kessler comes in at number 2. At time of publication, Walker has suffered his second consecutive annual April 2nd broken nose, so an argument can be made to cast him in the Rip Hamilton mold.
Below these juggernauts, we encroach on sub-unitary Blocks per Foul, so challengers to the throne should be side-eyed with measured incredulity. Chet Rasputin Holmgren is polling bronze, though one gets the sense Ben could break him like a rhino seated upon a soda can. AD is 4th.
Other luminaries include Bol Squared, Time Lord Bobby, Yosemite Hassan, and the lesser Ben Wallace-y of the Lopii, Brook.
And who would never in a million years be crowned with the cornrow wreath? There are a few jesters worthy of mention:
The authoritative anti-Ben is Caleb Swanigan, whose rather impressive life was truncated by his premature passing.
Something called Joffrey Lauvergne is second. All hail King Joffrey.
Spiritually, fellow 313 legend Big Luka feels the most appropriate. The flex after the awkward and-one is mandatory, the defense is optional. Present generative artificial intelligence could develop for hundreds of years without rendering something so antithetical to Ben Wallace as Hard R Garza.
Speaking of which, Meyers Leonard. What can you say, except what you probably shouldn’t say.
Then Moritz Wagner, advanced analytics NBA darling. Never mind, actually, that’s Franz. The Wagner brothers and Wallace brothers of old would certainly make for an electrifying dinner party.
Subsequently, Zaza. Bol Bol’s baby babble spiritual counterpart in the bizarro world. Or maybe it’s Nene, slightly further down.
The full exposition of Blocks per Foul, plotted against minutes, in case there are any instruments of basketball revolution you feel I have unfairly omitted.
And as an added bonus, belying the fact that perhaps I get paid by the word, let’s examine each component against minutes, piecewise.
First, Blocks:
On the Ben Wallace side of the great divide: Rudy, Brook, Myles Turner, and Yosemite Hassan. And on the wrong side of the tracks, Joker, Vucevic, and Bam. Perhaps we’ve to blame the Maastricht Treaty, but something about the Balkan Boys that battles against Blocs.
And now Fouls:
We’re riding the regression train with a lot more fidelity now. Horford, Lopez, Gobert, and (perhaps for lack of trying) the aforementioned Balkan Boys have all signed the Ben Wallace Pact of Non-Aggression, Or At The Very Least, Legalized Aggression. In contrast, KAT, Jonas, and – gasp! – Mason Plumlee get the Whistle of Shame with relatively high frequency.
</ Futile Replacement of Ben Wallace, Ne’er Shall We Look Upon His Like Again >
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